Aug 9, 2022
In today's episode, Katy talks about some of the places she often feels people feeling stuck and unable to know what to do next on their fertility journey. She walks you through a practical exercise to enable you to open up to whatever the future holds.
00:00
Hello, you are listening to Katy Bradbury registered nurse and nutritional therapist. Today's podcast episode is called 'How To Know When It Is The End Of The Road'.
00:28
So hello, and welcome to this week's show. I'm taking a little break from the micronutrient miniseries having wrapped up the conversation covering all of the vitamins from the fat soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K to the water soluble vitamins, C and the various B vitamins.
00:57
Now, I thought I'd take a break - I do want to revisit the
micronutrient series and run through some of the really important
minerals, because minerals have just as important a role to play
for fertility as the vitamins do, particularly some some key
minerals. As it's quite a long miniseries, I wanted to scatter a
few other topics into the mix as well and I thought that ending the
vitamins was a good little opportunity to do that.
01:37
Now, I wanted to talk to you today about how to know when it's the
end of the road for your journey. Now before you switch this
episode off thinking that either it's not relevant for you, or that
it just feels a little bit too bleak and it feels maybe a bit too
painful even to listen to an episode like this, please, please give
it a chance. Because actually, regardless of where you are on your
fertility journey, whether it has felt like a road that is far too
long travelled or if you're just starting out the contents of this
episode, it's a practical episode today. And the contents of the
episode is really to give yourself some warm, nurturing space to
actually explore some of these options in a really safe setting and
will allow yourself some space to feel what comes up and to explore
in writing what some of your options are for the future. So I urge
you - even if you're not at a point on your journey where you're
thinking it might be time to pack it in - I urge you to listen and
to take part and to actually do the exercise with me today because
so much of the fertility journey (and I remember this so well from
my own) is tainted with fear. And it's tainted with the fear of
'what if it never happens'. And I can remember that that was the
thing - that was the thought that was in my mind the entire time
for me. And that is a horrible thought to be living with every day.
So regardless of whether you feel like you've got a long battle
ahead, or you don't know, or you're nowhere near giving up just
now, the purpose of this episode isn't to tell you to give up,
absolutely not. It's just to have that space to explore.
03:44
So the reason I'm recording this episode is because it has come up
as a bit of a theme across a few of my clients recently. They're
people, typically, who have undergone multiple rounds of IVF, or
they've had losses that have been really painful emotionally. And
perhaps they feel like they've got a decision to make. So for a few
of them, they've got embryos in the freezer, and they just don't
know if they can handle doing it again. I've got a couple of people
in that situation. I've got a couple of people who feel like maybe
they're just too old now and at what point do you call it a day
when when you're getting older and it hasn't happened? So there are
a number of people in my world who I speak to, who have got these
thoughts running through their head and I thought, if they do, then
there's a good chance that you do too, as a listener. Some of the
circumstances that you might find yourself in at the moment - I've
given a few examples already - you might be tearing yourself apart
as to whether to put an embryo (if you've got an embryo) in the
freezer, whether to put it in, whether to give it a go or not. It
might be knowing whether to invest in one more round of IVF - and
that could be because you said the last one was going to be the
last one - or whatever it might be. So knowing whether to invest in
one more round of IVF. It might be making the decision with your
partner to stop actively trying, it might be deciding not to go
ahead with a donated cycle and changing your mind. As I say, the
circumstances in which you might find yourself are vastly
different, but it's such an important exercise, regardless of your
situation. This exercise gives you that little chance and that
opportunity to actually face some of those fears that you might be
living with every day and that you might have lived with for a very
long time. What I'd love for you to do today is actually (and I
don't know where you listen - maybe you listen while you're doing
something else, so perhaps you listen while you're on your commute,
or if you're walking the dog or or cooking) and now might not feel
like the best time to sit down and do an exercise and by all means
just listen along and use this episode as a reflective tool. But if
you can give yourself the space to actually sit down and do the
exercises that I'm going to walk you through today, I promise you
will feel (you might not have the answer) but you will get some
clarity and you will have some emotional processing that happens as
a result of this, that can just help you with day to day life, of
feeling the weight of such big decisions ahead.
07:00
So first of all, I really want you to sit with a question. So we're
going do some some deep breaths in a minute together. But before we
take the deep breaths, I want you to close your eyes and have a
think about what that question might be for you. And it's a 'what
if?' question. It's going to be pertinent to your situation - it
might be 'what if we don't go ahead with the next round of IVF?'.
'What if we never have a baby?'. 'What if we never give my child a
sibling?'. Whatever it is, whatever your biggest fear is at the
moment, whatever the question is that's causing you the most
turmoil at the moment, I want you to sit with that question: 'what
if'. So, whatever comes up for you here, this is your opportunity
in a really safe space (because you are safe at the moment
listening to this, listening to the sound of my voice) you're
absolutely safe, and I want you to sit with whatever feelings come
up and whatever feelings come up for you are completely valid.
Maybe those feelings are so raw for you right now that it brings up
tears straightaway and you might even feel that blubbery 'can't
control the tears', and that's okay, let them come. Let those tears
come if that is where you're at right now. But it might be that
different feelings come up, so we're going to just sit down now,
we're going to do some breathing together, knowing that you're safe
and knowing that you're going to take the time to do some
journaling after this so that you're allowing yourself the space to
let these feelings pass through. So it's perfectly safe to feel
whatever comes up. So let's do some deep breathing. I'm going to
guide you through deep breaths. We're going to breathe in for the
count of four, hold for just a moment at the top of the breath, and
we're going to breathe out for six.
08:59
If you're listening to my podcast I'll be counting along with you
but if you're reading this and doing it yourself at home, repeat
the breathing in and out for two or three minutes to relax
yourself.
11:41
So just giving yourself a little moment to reflect on whatever
feelings came up for you by allowing yourself that time, allowing
yourself that space and allowing yourself those breaths, to sit
with the question, or those questions, whatever it was that you
asked yourself at the start of the exercise. Now what I'd like you
to do is get your pen and paper ready because we're going to do
some journaling and we're going to ask some questions around what
came up, so you might want to press pause after each question (if
you're listening to the podcast rather than reading!) to really
give yourself the space to answer the question properly. So
question number one is, 'what feelings came up for me?'. And when
we're talking about what feelings came up for you here, I want you
to be really specific, I want you to really get into the nitty
gritty of what feelings came up. So if it was a sadness, what kind
of sadness was it? Was it a longing? Was it a feeling let down? If
you were feeling scared, what was what was the fear? Was it feeling
terrified? Was it like a dull feeling in the pit of your stomach?
Really trying to get specific on what those feelings were and what
those feelings are that are dwelling within you, that you've been
living with, potentially for a long time. Get as specific as
possible about the feelings. Then question number two, once you've
had a chance to talk through and explore some of the feelings that
came up specifically, is 'what thoughts came up behind those
feelings?' So some of the thoughts - really, really give yourself
the chance to sit with this. And if you need to sit down and rewind
and do some deep breaths again, to really sit with yourself and
allow whatever thoughts they are to come up so that you can write
them down, that is fine. Do whatever it takes because what I want
for you is to get down, physically on paper, using your hand, what
your feelings were and what the thoughts were. And some of these
thoughts, as I say, could be surprising - some examples (I'm not
putting these thoughts on you by any stretch of the imagination)
that could have come up for you might be 'I don't know if I'd be a
good enough mother'. 'I've let everybody down'. 'I can't imagine a
life without children'. 'I feel so hurt from this journey, I don't
know if I can do it any more'. 'I'm scared my partner will leave me
if we can't have children'. All of those are really valid thoughts
and there are hundreds of other thoughts that might come up for
you. Those are just a few examples. So sit with it and give
yourself the space to explore what those thoughts are for you.
15:09
The next question is to ask yourself 'what are my options?' 'Where
could I go from here?' 'What would life look like with each of
these options?' So we're talking about options that can help you
with your decision, if you feel like you've got a decision to make,
if you are exploring if this is the end of the road for you. And
really be very clear on what your options are here; is your option
to try a round of IVF? Is an option to use the embryo that you've
got in the freezer? Is an option to just keep trying for a while
longer and can you put a time on timeframe on that? Is the option
to accept a child free future? Is the option to consider other
options, such as surrogacy, such as egg or sperm donors, such as
adoption even? And I do realise that that is a really, really
sensitive topic and by no means, please do not mistake this as me
saying, 'oh, well you can't get pregnant, you can always adopt'.
That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying allowing yourself to
explore what options will be possible for you. Some of them might
suggest really exploring, again, on paper, and writing down what
all of the feasible options are for you that you might consider.
And then I'd like you to narrow it down, to between one and three
options. And they could be completely different options. They could
involve accepting a child-free life, or they could involve trying
again for another five years, just narrow it down - they don't have
to be the same or similar options, but narrow it down to between
one and three options. And do write this all down as well please,
so that you've got it on paper. And then finally - because this
isn't about you having to make or force a decision right now, this
is purely you giving yourself the space to explore and throughout
each of these questions that you're asking yourself - is exploring
the thought processes and the feelings that go with those. So in
writing down your options you might have a whole page of things to
write about what that option brings up for you. It could bring up a
whole host of thoughts and feelings, so it's really, really
important to try and get those out on paper. So write down the
options, and then write down what that option brings up for you as
well. And then once you've narrowed it down to your one to three
options, this is the final part of the exercise. It's quite a
simple exercise really, but it's just my way of helping you
process.
18:09
The final step is to write an 'I Am Enough' statement. 'I Am
Enough' statements are really powerful and for each of those
options that you've narrowed it down to, I want you to write an 'I
Am Enough' statement. So you need to insert the word - you
are 'what'? enough, so some examples of 'I Am Enough' statements
include: 'I am strong enough'. I am good enough. A really big
one - 'I am powerful enough'. 'I'm content enough'. 'I'm
happy enough'. 'I'm open enough'. Again, sit with those words, or
any word that comes up for you, but choose which one is most
pertinent to you or where you'd like to be and write down an 'I Am
Enough' statement and write it down for each of your one to three
options. For example, I'm going to use the word good, because 'I am
good enough'. I think a lot of us think that we're not good enough
ultimately and have that really deep seated belief so: 'I am good
enough'. I think if you can't think of an 'I Am Enough' statement,
then go with 'I am good enough', because that does underpin a lot
of what a lot of us think about ourselves. So I'm going to use an
example here; 'I am good enough to try IVF again', 'I am good
enough to accept a child-free future'. 'I am good enough to explore
options for an egg donor'. For whatever your one, two or three
options are that you're going to explore, I want you to write down
your 'I Am Good Enough' statement for each of those options. And if
you could write down your three 'I Am Good Enough' statements on a
piece of paper on its own, or write it in the notes of your phone
(Ideally, if you write it down by hand on a piece of paper) and
take a picture of it, and then have it in the background on your
phone, or put it as something that you look at often and it's just
there to serve then as a reminder that really, whichever of those
options that you go with (and you don't have to choose right now,
you don't have to choose even in a year's time) you just know that
you've given yourself the space to explore those options, and you
know that whatever happens, you are good enough, you are strong
enough, you are content enough or powerful enough, whatever it
might be. And you've got those there as a reminder - a regular
visual reminder - that you are good enough, you are strong enough,
or whatever it might have been. So that's the end of the exercise,
I really hope that you did do it, I hope that you actually did go
away and pause and do the deep breathing. And if you didn't, and if
you were in the middle of something, and you didn't have the space
to do that right now, that's okay. But please, please do come back
to this episode and please do find yourself a half an hour, or an
hour, where you can actually sit and do this exercise. So that's it
for me today.
21:29
I did want to just let you know - a little reminder - about my
'Fertility and the First 1000 Days' membership; there are four
slots available left at the introductory price of £50 a month. What
you get for that £50 a month is worth way more than £50 a month!
What we do is every single Wednesday evening as a small group, is
get together and talk through where you're at on your journey, how
the week has been; it's all about debriefing, it's all about being
able to share your experiences and you'll also get the opportunity
to have some accountability, some focus. So I'm there to advise you
around nutrition, I'm there to advise you around all of the
lifestyle things that impact fertility and together, we form the
loveliest and most supportive group space - it really is the most
wonderful group. So if that sounds like it would be helpful, this
is the kind of exercise that that we might do, so I might recommend
that people do similar exercises to this in the group depending on
where they're at that week. It's always really individual to where
you're at. If you feel like you could use a bit more personalised
guidance and group level support in a really, really lovely, fun
and emotional and nurturing space, then I really do welcome you to
come and join the 'Fertility and the First 1000 Days' membership.
I'll pop the link in the show notes and in the description of this
episode. There are just four spaces left now at the introductory
price of £50 a month before it goes up to £75 a month so if you'd
like to be one of those four to come and join at that hugely
reduced price, I'd love to see you there. Take care and have a
lovely week! Bye bye!
WAYS THAT YOU CAN GET KATY'S HELP:
Fertility and the First 1,000 Days Membership:
https://katybradburyhealth.thrivecart.com/fertility-and-the-first-1000-days/
Fundamentals for Fertility online course:
https://katybradburyhealthltd.vipmembervault.com/products/courses/view/1130954/?action=signup
Book a discovery call to talk through your needs for working together 1:1:
More info can be found about Katy on her website:
Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/katybradburyhealth
Email:
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